Ok, no one pass out. I'm actually updating my journal for the first time in, I don't know how long. So, to catch up.

I had my knee replacement surgery in January and it went ok, well, it SUCKED for months but I'm doing great now. I've also lost a lot of weight since last year. I have lost 72 pounds now and love shopping again. LOL

I'm now addicted to Facebook which is why I'm hardly over here anymore. I'm busy with the games over there. Word Challenge is awesome. And getting together with old friends is amazing.

So, there you have it. Since January, I'm now able to walk without hurting and still losing the weight. Got to love life. Now to try to quit smoking sometime soon. It's too fucking much money to smoke. Damn tax shitheads.

I quit therapy this past weekend. I don't want to see that lady again. She really pissed me off about me cancelling an appointment and she's making me pay for it. That's insane. I let her know in advance so I'm not sure what her deal is. Plus, she just keeps talking about her female problems. Like I REALLY want to know about her having her cervix shaved and shit. HELL NO!! I want to talk about ME and why I'm fucking there. Erg. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Oh and I'm really hooked on Facebook. It's pretty cool I am getting to know some people from high school and grade school. They think I'm funny for some reason. LOL Maybe funny looking? hehe

I wrote this after watching this movie. What a great tear jerker it is.

Time and Space


Once apon a time, true love existed

A love so endearing it spans time and space

True love caught in the balance

Never forgotten, but never realized

This love though endured.

A single tear that flows down your cheek.

A man wounded beyond repair.

Love fading into the night.

As I recite a sweet poem as you lay motionless,

You slip into away.

Returning home, without any hope.

I should be sleeping but here I am typing instead. I had a major nightmare and I just can't sleep. I am afraid. What is wrong with me? Erg. I wanted to write some things down, including what happened with Kenny but never did. Tonight, I think I will. Maybe it will help. Andrea keeps telling me to write this stuff down. She knows better, so here it goes.

Febuary 1994

I had been going through a bunch of stuff at the time, including being fired from work in August of 1993 and then the DWI in December of 1993. I started working at Food King in January of 1994 and I hated it. I hated every minute of it. I cried on the way to work and cried on the way home almost every night. By February, I hadn't gone out like I was so a friend of mine called me, April, and told me lets go out and have some fun. So, I did. April picked me up and we went to this bar near where I used to live and we started drinking. It was around 8 pm when we got there and by the time 10 pm came, we were feeling no pain. A few friends were playing pool so we decided to sit with them. We were having such a great time. Barry then said lets go back to my parents place and hang out. So, I got in the car with April and off we went.

We got to Barry's house and just hung out and drank a ton. We played drinking games and smoked all night. Around 3am Kenny came over from Darlette's house which was just around the corner. He sat down and we talked. Around 5am, we all decided it was time to go home. I was getting my coat and April said something about taking me home. Kenny told her he would take me home since it was on his way home. If I had remembered, I would have known something was up since I was NOT on his way home. He left with me and almost hit some cars. He was so drunk. I was praying the entire way that I would live through the night. Kenny pulled up to a bank machine where my mother worked and then drove me the rest of the way home.

We parked in front of my house and he kissed me. I unfortunately, kissed him back. Then I realized, this was my best friends boyfriend and I stopped. I couldn't do that to a friend. I don't remember much afterwards. Somehow Kenny pulled into the alley and I was on my back and he was on top of me. I didn't even realize at first what was going on. I felt him inside me and I felt sick. But he was having difficulty and he put me on my stomach and put himself back in me. I remember him hitting my back. I never felt so much pain in my life. I cried and told him to stop but he didn't. I wanted it to end. I just laid there, I was numb. He finished and as I got dressed he said don't worry I wore a condom. I left and went in the house and waited for him to leave and I went back outside the house to the alley. I don't know what I was looking for. I just stood there. Finally, I went upstairs to my room and my sister was getting up for work. I didn't even speak to her but laid down and just hugged my pillow. I was bleeding enough from what he did and I just wanted everything to go away.

For days on end I would just lay in bed and do nothing. I almost failed out of college because of this. Luckily, I talked to my professors and they told me I could take an incomplete for 3 classes and finish them up before I graduated the following spring.

Sometimes, I wonder. What would I have been like if this didn't happen.

Tonight my friend Deniese came over to my house and we started our exercise routine for Wii Fit. We had a blast. We laughed at each other and had a great work out. Well, as good as a workout I can have with a cracked rib and a shitty knee. I'm going to try to do the Wii Fit every night so I can strengthen my knee before I have surgery and also to lose weight. I've lost I think 42 pounds so far. My goal now is 20 pounds. I'm not setting too big a goal so I don't get discouraged.

Last night I was just not in a good mood. I was stressing about money issues and really wanted to quit therapy. Lex called me and tried to calm me down some and it worked. I don't think she thought she helped but she did. She's a great friend. I'm so glad she's back in my life again.

I want to go swimming this weekend if I can. I hope it's going to be nice. The pool is closing after this week and I really want to do some laps in the pool and dive off the diving board.

It's late so I better get some sleep. I need my beauty sleep. hehe

This weekend I went to my twin brothers house. We were invited to a party for my friend Dawn's daughter who was turning 10. So, the party was awesome but I got completely smashed. I was drinking shots which is not a good thing for me since I hardly drink anymore. My tolerance is not that high. But there I was drinking shots and hitting on this cute guy who was only 22!! OMG! He was cute and I think I pinched his butt a few times. And then I was rolling on the floor playing with the kids. The next day I really regretted doing that since I was in so much pain from the broken rib and my knee. That completely sucked so I went home earlier than I wanted to and took some pain medicine and went to sleep for about an hour.

Later, I went over to Deniese and Jose's house and we made a delicious Jewish Apple Cake. It was awesome. We hung out and went and got some coffee since either one of us wanted to drink beer. And then went home and sat with my sisters twins until 11pm when they came home from a party they went to. Talked to Lex and then watched the mens basketball game. Good times.

Today I just hung out with Deniese most of the day and had a great time. Gotta love stress free days with great friends.

Today was my last visit with Regina and it went ok. I really would like to stay in contact with her especially if she ever gets back into private practice but she said no. She doesn't like to give out personal information to patients. That really makes me sad since I thought of her as a friend and a doctor. Oh well. Life sucks once again. It doesn't matter. I'm sitting here almost in tears and I just don't know why. I told Regina I was feeling better, yep pretty much lied. What does she want me to tell her? She's fucking leaving. Erg. Life sucks sometimes. Today is one of those fucking days.

Yep, still have a headache from the fall last week. I can't wait for this to go away. I'm so tired of having a headache and feeling dizzy. This completely sucks.

I'm thinking of just going on ebay and getting myself a new body. I'm so over this one. hehe

This past week started off so wonderful. My neighbors and parents came over to swim in the pool while I was dog sitting. And I only had to work 2 days last week which was awesome. I took off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in order to swim and just chill out with the dogs. Tuesday night, things started going down hill and fast.

I had gone to my doctors office for a follow up from falling at work and hurting my knee. I was in the office for a while and talked to Regina and I left with no problem. My knee was hurting but when I got outside the office walking to my car, I felt a sharp pain in my knee. I bent over to rub it and then started walking again. After a few steps, my knee gave out on me and I fell down on the cement hitting my left side/back and hitting my head on the ground. I laid there for a while when I saw another patient leaving. She saw me and went inside the office to get help. One of the office workers came outside to see me and a nurse. The nurse went back inside and then came back outside with Regina. Regina came over to me and was telling me not to get up and was touching my knee. She said she suspected I might have torn my ACL again. So, they put me in a wheelchair and I wanted to try to drive home. I got to my car and then got inside but my head was spinning (I didn't tell Regina I just thought I was in shock) so one of the nurses took me home and my parents came later to pick up my car.

Wednesday morning, I got a call from Regina's office and they ordered a MRI for that morning. I left and did the test and Regina called me back about it. I found out nothing new on my knee but I did tell Regina I hit my head when I fell. She said most likely I have a slight concussion. The next day, Thursday, I went to my doctors office for my blood work from my physical which I never did. I told one of the nurses about my headaches and nauseousness and was advised to make an appointment with Regina for that evening. I also had an appointment with a orthopedic surgeon that afternoon. I went to the ortho doctor and was told he WOULD do the knee replacement now. I go back to him in 3 weeks to see how I'm doing. And to talk about the knee replacement.

Thursday evening I went to see Regina and from what I found out from Regina, I was a little out of it. I kept looking at her but not really understanding her. She told me she was thinking of calling 911 or just sending me over to the ER to check my head. We talked some more and she gave me a bag with some samples for nausea and as I got up I dropped the bag on the floor. I went to get it and Regina said DON'T! I'll get it. I stood up and then went backwards hitting my ass and then my head once again. Regina was knelling beside me and asked me if I hit my head. I said yes and put my hands over my eyes. I don't remember much afterwards. Regina said I passed out and was unconscious for a little over 3 minutes. I woke up and felt Regina rubbing my arm and holding my hand and she kept asking me what is your name?? What is your name? Can you talk? I just looked at her for a few minutes and told her my name but my voice didn't seem to be working. She made me repeat my name again and asked me several more times after that. Regina than told me they had called 911 and the ambulance was on the way to take me to the ER. Apparently, I kept asking her if I could go home. I needed to get back to the dogs. She kept saying no and just held my hand.

The ambulance arrived and Regina had to get out of the way but I kept holding her hand. I released her hand when they got me on the back board and started to put a neck brace on me. I was so fucking scared by that point. They lifted me up and Regina told me as I was leaving she would call my parents and tell them what happened. I left and went to Baltimore Sinai Hospital since they deal with head injuries and they have a staff that can perform emergency surgery if needed. The trip to the hospital was horrible. The brace was HORRIBLE! I felt every fucking bump on the road which made me even more dizzy. They took a CAT scan and they said I was ok but when they took my blood pressure, my pressure had gone really low. It is usually 120/80 but it was 70/40. They gave me 2 bags of IV fluids and finally I was released at 1:30am.

Now, I'm still suffering from nausea and dizzy as hell sometimes but Regina said that is to be expected for a while with a major concussion. Lovely. And I haven't been able to sleep much since I fell. Erg. I really need to sleep. It's 5:00am and I'm just sitting here typing. I need sleep! I wish I could sleep. Sigh.

I'm dogsitting still and took some pictures with the dogs yesterday. I'll try to post some of the pictures when I get a chance. Hopefully tomorrow. I took them on my camera phone so I hope they turn out ok. Some are a little blurry.

Saturday, I had another meltdown at the therapist's office. I told some of the things to Rach the other day and I told Andrea. Andrea told me to talk to Regina on Tuesday too about some things. We'll see. Regina's office called me yesterday morning and said Regina wants me to be non weight bearing for the next month until I can see my orthopedic doctor. Oh HELL NO!! I'll wrap my knee but that's it dude. Plus, I can't watch these dogs and stay on crutches. I'll trip over them. LOL

Ok, where are the munchkin doggies. Ok, found them. LOL One is sleeping on the chair and the other is on the couch sleeping. They are so damn cute, I just want to take them home with me. :o)

Oh and I went out to the pool today and my parents came over, my niece Madison and my neighbors Deniese and Jose. We had a blast. The poor dogs had to stay in the house since Jose is allergic to them. But when they left they came out to play with us and they were all happy. Today was awesome even though I'm burnt to a crisp. I must remember sun tan lotion next time.

Ok, I need to take the dogs out and get some sleep. Night